School shooting satire is tough to pull off

This is done just as well as any other ONN segment, but it still feels unsettling:


Potential School Shooter Gunned Down By Popular Jock

Similarly:

Dirty/Dulcet Radio 6/29/11

As per request:


download the show here

Set List:
1) Madlib Medicine Show No. 10 Black Soul (Snippet)
2) Computer Love - Zapp and Roger
3) Computer Love - Ghostface Killah
4) Morning Sunrise - Weldon Irvine
5) Dear Summer - Jay-Z
6) Why Pianos Break - Open Mike Eagle ft. P.O.S.
7) Shine - Anti-Pop Consortium
8) Never Dead - MF Doom ft. M. Sayyid
9) Back End - MF Doom
10) Bread and Butter - Ivor Cutler
11) Bread and Butter - Chris and Tad
12) Grits N Corn Bread - Soul Runners
13) I Believe (Our Love Has Gone Away) - The Conspiracy
14) I Don't Want To Do It - John Craig
15) Sad, Sad Boy - Don Julian & The Larks
16) Apula - Madilu System

I Keep One Eye Open Like CBS

From when he was still young and hungry...

Even I don't love alliteration this much

Lee Waters is a local news darling. I saw his smiling face atop the Weekend section in last Friday's News & Observer. Have you ever heard a bartender referred to as a "sip slinger"? What's a "swillster"?

At any rate, Lee is the best bartender around because he says things like "Cheers, Big Ears," and this author is among the worst because she says things like "And when he's not sating palates, smarting or sassing up the social saloon or sucker punching his fellow social stewards and tickling funny bones?".

Why the fuck are spending money on Libya?

"The President does not have power under the Constitution to unilaterally authorize a military attack in a situation that does not involve stopping an actual or imminent threat to the nation."
- Barry Obama, 12/20/07

I was 9 when I first drove. This kid is way cooler.

"On The Banks Of The Blue Ridge Parkway"

"On The Banks Of The Blue Ridge Parkway"
by Thomas Costello

Summer came
and brought a cloudless simmering pulse.
You went
And took with you
some of the things I needed.

If you look up "hot" in the dictionary
there is a North Carolina summer
burning up the pages
wrinkled with humidity.
It is so hot that everyone leaks sticky drops
that hang suspended in the air
and cling to your skin when you take out the trash.
Everyone pants with their mouths open
so the breeze smells like beer and fruit salad.

At the park
next to our house
chickens listlessly round the bases
waddling like weekend warriors
kicking up boiling infield dust
while outside the fence
the mariachi block party
which is held solely for mariachis and their proud families
is letting loose a blaring polka opus
en español.
And despite the trumpet players' struggle
to grip their instruments with slippery salted hands
or to play with shut eyes to avoid the horns' brassy reflection
the symphony is hailed as a critical success
by the pasty reporter
under an umbrella
eyeing his moles.
The children tend the tamales
whose scent soaks the air
and travels into my window
so that my sweat tastes like chipotle pollen.
I went to rinse it off
but you took the tub.

Out-of-towners might imagine that it is more temperate in the mountains.
I wonder where the hell they got that idea.
By the second week in July
the asphalt melts and
the roads are a swampy petroleum mess.
The Blue Ridge Parkway turns into a tar river.
Everyone builds rafts
out of old doors and empty propane tanks
and every year
on the first Sunday in August
there's a tar-raft regatta.
And every year
for at least the last ten
Sam Simon, a retired Highway Patrolman from Brevard
wins by a long shot.
I had thought about entering
but I remembered that you took the broom
so I just watched from the tar river banks
without an oar
as the old sergeant surfed to another victory
and another year of fitful sleep
under the gaze of the taxidermied squirrel trophy
dreaming of next August.

It was much easier to deal with the heat last year.
We shared summer duties.
I would fill one hundred glasses of water
and put them around the house
so we could always have a drink.
You oiled the fan
which squawked like a mockingbird
with a speech impediment
so that we could sleep.
I pointed a speaker out the window
and played Tumbling Dice
so that the trees would be inspired to grow bigger
and we could fit in the shade.
You shaved the cats.
I made frozen lemonade.
You cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
while I blew on your damp forehead.
And I remember
how you would tuck the sides of your skirt
in the bottom of your underwear
to cool your crispy legs.
I took out the photo box
so I could remember this is a little better
but you had cut out all of the you's
and taken them.
But I still remembered
that you took all the glasses
so I poured myself a bowl of water
used all the fan oil on the clippers
and set to shaving the cats.

Now summer is gone.
I no longer have to swim
through the thick southern air
or smell the collective pant
of tainted slaw.
The mariachi band is on Late Night
(gracias a nuestras madres)
and the chickens are in the tamales.
Most of the rafts were pulled out of the parkway
although some are stuck
left by teenagers or alcoholics
when the pavement cooled
causing some minor traffic accidents for the October leaf gawkers.
The cats are stubbly
and I've managed to sew my sleeves back on
although some of the left ones are missing.
It's made official
when the weatherman has called for the first frost
and as everyone rushes to the store
to buy bread and milk
I think about chopping some wood
when I remember
you took the axe.

Dirty/Dulcet Radio 6/22/11

Jello Biafra in the book "Incredibly Strange Music Vol II" writes:

The most deranged "rich person do-it-yourself" album is All That I Am by KIT REAM, heir to the Nabisco cookie fortune. According to someone who knew him, he dropped tons of acid in the '60's and wound up in a mental hospital where he spent six months staring at his own reflection in a mirror. Eventually the acid wore off, he was deemed "cured" and let loose in society, whereupon he decided to become a guru and make a record. From his maniacal expression you can see that this is a man who has seen it all and knows that he has "the answer". The songs are light beatnik jazz mixed with pseudo-psychedelia; he chants lines like "Don't be so holy, poly, over my soul-y." As far as I know his cult is still vastly outnumbered by Maharaj Ji, Rajnessh and the Moonies.

A half-show this week.

Track List:
1) Don't Be So Holy Poly Over My Souly - Kit Ream
2) Free Son - Yesterday's New Quintet
3) Yellow Fly - Ivor Cutler
4) Unauthorized Audiobiography of Weird Al - MC Paul Barman
5) Bob - Weird Al Yankovic
6) Accordion - Weird Al Yankovic and The Roots
7) Accordion - Madvillain
8) Bubblz - Anti-Pop Consortium
9) As Serious As Your Life (J. Dilla Remix) - Four Tet ft. Guilty Simpson
10) Allahu Akbar - MC Paul Barman
11) Track 03 - Toby Goodshank
12) Bladerunners - Mike Ladd ft. Company Flow
13) I'm a Mormon - Janeen Brady & The Brite Singers
14) Landslide (Remix) - MF Grimm
15) Nighttime School - .357 Lover
16) Melt! - Flying Lotus
17) Yama Yama - Yamasuki
18) Frozen Embryos - Three Guys From Hollywood

 

TRAILER PARK BOYS, LIVE IN GREENSBORO 10/16

The 'Boys have been doing this touring variety show for a while, and they're coming to Greensboro. You can bet your sweet fuckin ass I'll be there.

Ricky, Julian and Bubbles will be there, and who knows, maybe Jim Lahey and Randy will make an appearance.

http://www.zvents.com/z/greensboro-nc/trailer-park-boys-live--events--193894505

Featured Artist @ Jessee's

So, if you've been to Jessee's lately, you've probably noticed the big paintings of a vaguely sci-fi nature with titles like "Biology" and "Ecology". I read the little artist blurb yesterday and saw that they were created by none other than Thomas Konneker of jarofpaperclips fame. Check them out if you haven't yet. I like this one a whole lot.

Don't guess... know (how to lure children into your van)

Just found this track on WFMU's 365 Days Project. I've only scratched the surface of that website, so more awful things to come y'all!!!

Speaking of whence:

Shirk-Ass Shirkoffs Shirk Obligation to Circle Shirk

Come on, people.

I know you didn't all just stop spending all your time on the internet.

Ooh... the helicopter's about to take off. My office is up on the top floor now. It's fucking rad. The helipad is right outside my window.

The Nerf Nuke

Dirty/Dulcet Radio 6/8/11

Get your latest episode of Dirty/Dulcet Radio here folks! And remember, STDs don't make decisions, people do.

Set List:
1) The Almighty Defenders - Cone of Light
2) Death - Keep On Knocking
3) Dungen - Panda
4) Jihad Jerry & the Evildoers - The Time Is Now
5) The Leaders - (It's A) Rat Race
6) Makonde - Manzara
7) Dennis Coffey - Theme From Black Belt Jones
8) The Phenomenal Handclap Band - Baby
9) Mayer Hawthorne - Thin Moon
10) Mayer Hawthorne - A Long Time
11) Sonji Clay - I Can't Wait Until I See My Baby's Face
12) Ricky Lewis and the Afro Band - Welcome Home
13) Johnny Johnson - Love Is Blue
14) The Souls of Unity - Reach Out and Touch
15) Frank Turner - All For the Kids
16) Promise - I'm Not Ready For Love
17) Jack & The Mods - One is Enough for One
18) Patrizia & Jimmy - Trust Your Child Pt. 1
19) Ponderosa Twins Plus One - Bound
20) Marion Black - Who Knows
21) Alvin Robinson - Something You Got
22) Shuggie Otis - Oxford Gray
23) Pure Essence - Third Rock
24) Funkadelic - I Just Got Back
25) Gap Mangione - Diana in the Autumn Wind
26) Toby Goodshank - Pray To You
27) .357 Lover - Sweet Kentucky Girl
28) Bling Kong - A Song I Know
29) The Seventh-day Adventist Church - STDs PSA#1
30) Bishops of the Holy Rollers Fallout Shelter w/ Curtis Colbert - It's Free
31) The Seventh-day Adventist Church - STDs PSA#2
32) Sammy Hall - A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Hell (I Got Saved, Saved, Saved)
33) Adult Rodeo - Jesus, He Loves LSD + Me
34) Septima Region - De La Selva Con Furor

Pack of Wolves Kills Horse Near Darby

From The Missoulian

DARBY - Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks officials have authorized the killing of up to nine wolves south of Darby after recent attacks on a horse and a calf.

The horse was killed within 200 yards of the Two Feathers Ranch manager's home Thursday night. The ranch is about 1 1/2 miles south of Darby.

"Our favorite horse was killed by a wolf last night," said ranch owner Paul Shirley. "He was always the one who would come up for treats and we could give kids rides on him without any worry."

The quarter horse was named Jack.

"The wolves ran him through a fence and then tore his guts out," Shirley said. "It was terrible. ... These wolves are on our property most nights, and I'm terrified for my animals. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with my livestock."

Rancher manager Jeff Rennaker spent Friday morning alongside a federal government trapper who looked over the kill site and then set four traps around the property.

"We are going to be pretty proactive the next couple of days," Rennaker said. "We're going to have to wait to see what the night brings. I've got 13 horses out there and 160 cattle. I'll be out there most of the night."

FWP wolf biologist Liz Bradley suspects wolves in the Trapper Peak Pack were responsible.

"They were in trouble last year on a different ranch," Bradley said. "We authorized the removal of the pack at that time."

Some of the wolves were killed, but not all.

"It's pretty likely that pack," Bradley said. "We know that they cycle through that area."

Five kill permits were issued to the landowner.

"We're hoping to get it wrapped up as quickly as possible so we don't have any more problems," she said.
The Trapper Peak Pack has frequented the ranch in the past, but Rennaker said they haven't had any losses of livestock up until now.

Rennaker said he's seen wolves in his front yard on a several occasions.

Just across the highway, CB Ranch cattle manager Jeff Snavely said that operation lost a calf about a week ago. The attack also marked the first time that ranching operation had a confirmed wolf kill.

"We've had them on the ranch for a long time," Snavely said. "They have killed elk and deer before, but we've never had any kills on livestock."

Officials authorized the removal of four wolves from the Divide Creek Pack as a result of the depredation.
Last week, a Hamilton man shot a wolf just outside of town after it attacked one of his dogs.

With the amount of snow remaining in the high country, Bradley said wolves and other wildlife are at lower elevations this spring. As the snow begins to melt and wolf pups get bigger, she expects them to start pulling up into higher elevations.

Reporter Perry Backus can be reached at 363-3300 or at pbackus@ravallirepublic.com.